Why Can't I Just Be Happy?

"Ezra, I think you may struggle with an unhealthy form of asceticism."

These were the words of my church history professor in college, and they came after I shared with him my extended list of spiritual disciplines. These included waking up early to pray and read Scripture, a lengthy list of questions an accountability partner would ask me each week, and a consistent fasting schedule.

Asceticism is the practice of deliberately denying yourself certain pleasures, comforts, or desires to grow spiritually. On the surface, this sounds good and aligns with Jesus' words to his disciples in Luke 9:23, when he urged them to deny themselves, take up their crosses, and follow him. It's a practice that has come naturally to me from a young age.

• When I was 12, I attempted to write out the entire Bible by hand
• In my teen years, I won the Bible quizzing championship five years in a row
• In college, I took as many courses as possible, even ones that weren't required
• When I pastored, I would knock on upwards of 10,000 doors to hand out Christmas event invites

But in the process, I struggled, sometimes becoming so rigid that I lost the joy of knowing Christ, taking me years to untangle this mindset.

Perhaps this is a struggle you have as well. You read the preacher's words in Ecclesiastes 9:7 about eating with pleasure and drinking with a cheerful heart, and you think, Ah, but life is hard. There are too many lazy Christians who "sit on the sidelines," and I shall not be one of them.

Your intentions are no doubt good, but you find it difficult to live out the joy of God that you would so readily point others towards. So what should you do?

Embrace Your Limitations

If you are someone who errs on the side of Christian performance, my suggestion is to lean into the limitations God has likely brought into your life.

Last week, I was reading Paul Miller's Love Walked Among Us. In it, he shares the story of a time in his life when his wife and he were especially disciplined. He writes:

Jill and I are naturally quick, confident—and judgmental. Once... Jill was washing the car in our driveway and our neighbor passed on the sidewalk. A young mother herself, she said to Jill, “I don’t know how you have the strength to do everything that you do.” Jill replied, “If you’re organized, you can get a lot done. You should try it.” Years ago, I was in downtown Philadelphia with a friend, and a street person passed us. He slurred out something incomprehensible to me, and I dismissed him. As we were walking away my friend asked me, “Why did you talk to him like that? He just wanted to know where the soup kitchen was.”

What prompted Paul and Jill to change was having a child named Kim who was autistic. Kim became a wonderful blessing, forcing her parents to slow down, to appreciate the small wonders of life, and to recognize the joys in each moment. Millers adds,

When God gave us Kim, he gave us something we loved very much but couldn’t control. She constantly drained our reserves. I smile at the work of God displayed in our lives, at God’s sense of humor. Jill and I have spent countless hours with Kim doing speech therapy, helping her articulate her slurred words. I’ve spent hundreds of hours programming Kim’s speech computer, which she is very proficient at. Jill no longer has time to be organized. When I ask her where some money has gone, she smiles at me and tells me that she doesn’t know. She has sworn off being organized. She just can’t do it anymore. God gave us Kim to keep us from all harm—to keep us from being so self-righteous and “together.” God used Kim to bring us to the end of ourselves, to teach us about love, and to teach us about himself. [1]

"She has sworn off being organized." Words that are anathema to high-performers, yet resonate with those who know what it means to live with reduced capacity.

While I do not have a child with special needs, one of the greatest blessings I've experienced is the performance-limiting challenge of depression. Through a multi-year struggle, God broke me free of many of my legalistic, overly aesthetic mindsets. Oh, not that I don't have goals and dreams today. I do, but I am also acutely aware of my limitations.

And as I have become content with my limitations, I have found new joy in Christ.

Acknowledge the Sting

Ironically, the key to enjoying life, as the preacher of Ecclesiastes notes, is acknowledging the greatest limitation of all: death. In verses 4-6, he writes:

But he who is joined with all the living has hope, for a living dog is better than a dead lion. For the living know that they will die, but the dead know nothing, and they have no more reward, for the memory of them is forgotten. Their love and their hate and their envy have already perished, and forever they have no more share in all that is done under the sun.

Life is hard, and we cannot do everything our minds say we should, but life is also good and worth celebrating. We are to acknowledge the sting of death yet also live life to the fullest. In the words of Daniel and Jonathan Akin,

Contemplate death and take it to heart so you can enjoy life. That is his point. Go to a funeral rather than a party so that you can contemplate your frailty and finitude as a means to live wisely and enjoy life.^[1]

Only by properly understanding death, through understanding your personal limitations, can you enjoy life to the fullest.

Pause and Ask

If you’re struggling to enjoy life, pause and ask yourself if you have the correct view of your own limitations. Are you able to look your greatest limiting factor, are you able to look death itself in its ugliest form, and say, “Because of Jesus, you have no hold over me”?

This is what Jesus did. Jesus knew what would happen to him, yet he still ate, drank, and celebrated because his joy was rooted in an eternal perspective. It's why Hebrews 12:2 says, “For the joy that lay before him, he endured the cross, despising the shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.”

This joy was fulfilling the will of his Father in Heaven by dying to redeem mankind. Jesus endured the greatest hardships any human being has ever experienced. He took the weight of sin upon his shoulders. Yet he pressed forward because he saw the big picture and the joy that awaited.

Christians who lose sight of the joy of serving God reveal how unfulfilling they truly believe him to be. Serving God is not always easy, but it should always be joyful, for our ultimate joy awaits us. As Benjamin Whichcote rightly notes, “We never better enjoy ourselves than when we most enjoy God.”

When we fully enjoy God, we will long to spend time with him and will mourn when we disappoint him.

If you’re unhappy today, struggling with overly aesthetic tendencies, and can't celebrate the good things in life, it’s time to gain Jesus' perspective and see life as he sees it. And it's also time to adjust the way you live.

Being happy and having a great time with friends and family isn't frivolous. When you can look at life’s hardships and dance with your kids, party with your friends, and enjoy life to the fullest, you’re tangibly demonstrating your confidence in God. You’re saying, “God, I am so certain of your resurrection that I can have joy in the present, knowing my eternal joy awaits.”

This is a wonderful place to be.

[1] Paul E. Miller, Love Walked Among Us: Learning to Love Like Jesus (Kindle ed.), 42–43.

^[2]Daniel L. Akin and Jonathan Akin, Exalting Jesus in Ecclesiastes, Christ-Centered Exposition Commentary. Accordance electronic ed. (Nashville: B&H Publishing Group, 2016), 104.