Why Am I So Afraid of Being Replaced?

Becki and I celebrated twenty-two years of marriage this past summer. We have had our highs and lows, but through it all we knew we were always on the same team. Early in our marriage, during a tense conversation, Becki said something that struck me at my core; it tore me apart deep down. What she said was both true and wise, but my misunderstanding caused the hurt. During the argument, she said, “I love you, but I don’t like you very much right now.”

I grew up in the South, where being nice is considered a sport—it's all about “out-nicing” the other person. A neighbor asks for a cup of sugar; you give them two cups. You get my drift. Being nice meant people would like you, and if people liked you, it meant they loved you.

So when Becki uttered those words, it was a sledgehammer to my heart. In my heart, liking was tantamount to love.

I also grew up in the fishbowl that is Texas high school football. I played on one of the best teams in the state. While I was there, we won state twice, and last year my team was inducted into the Texas High School Football Hall of Fame (yes, you can read the humble brag in that).

Here is the reality of that world: it was all about the performance. Everything was about how you played. Play poorly and risk losing your spot. Play well, expect accolades and cheers.

The truth is, most of human life is like this: you do well, you get a raise; you make a good choice, you get praise; you play well, you get picked first for the team (anyone else just get playground jitters?).

And the all-too-familiar reality is that we are all looking for the newest and best things—be it electronics, cars, clothes, or politicians. New always seems to be better. It gets especially hard when it comes to people.

Ecclesiastes 4 says,

But then everyone rushes to the side of yet another youth who replaces him. Endless crowds stand around him, but then another generation grows up and rejects him, too. So it is all meaningless—like chasing the wind.

We all do it: the QB who no longer plays at the right level, the boss who can’t keep up with the ever-changing world, the friends who seem to have left us behind. And therein lies the heart of the issue: 

WE LIVE IN A WORLD OF CONSTANT REPLACEMENT.

Deep in our hearts, it's easy to feel that about ourselves. We live in constant fear of being replaced. Are we the boss getting left behind, the friend who didn’t get invited, the coworker who can’t figure out the new system?

That’s why it’s so easy to get caught in the trap of seeking approval from others. Because if they like me, then surely they love me, and if they like and love me, then they wouldn’t replace me. Right?

Please hear what I am saying: we all want love and acceptance. Nothing wrong with it. After all, God designed us to be in relationship with others, and being in community requires a certain level of love and acceptance. The issue begins when that love and acceptance becomes our identity. When what others say about us drives our outcome, it becomes an idol in our life. The real danger is that it becomes a god we worship.

The best way to fight an idol in our life is to focus on the one true God. Dive deep into what He says about you. Learn the 40 I Am’s. Commit His word to memory about who He says you are, and when the fear begins to creep in, remember what God says about you.