Why Am I Such a Terrible Person?

Have you ever hated the person you've become?

As a full-time freelance writer, I have the wonderful opportunity to meet with many accomplished authors one-on-one. People who are successful and seem to be magically holding their world together.

But it doesn’t take long to realize that every individual, even the most successful, has their own internal battles. Something comedion Theo Von can attest.

The longer I chat with an author, the more it's not uncommon to hear them casually throw out a statement like, "There was a time when I just wanted to die,” or “for years I hated myself.”

Perhaps this is how you feel as you start this week.

On the outside, people look at you as someone who is holding it all together. You’ve got a good job, a nice family, and great friends. You should be feeling good, and you tell others you are, but deep inside, you silently hate the person you’ve become.

If this is where you’re at, I would recommend you read Craig Groeschel’s Winning the War in Your Mind.   

Mind Shapes Our Behavior

I first picked up this book several years ago when I was in a bit of a mental funk, and it helped me rethink how proactive I was about winning my own war in my mind.

Drawing from neuroscience, Scripture, personal stories, and practical habits, Groeschel explains how repeated negative thinking can trap people in cycles of fear, insecurity, and self-defeat, while intentional thought renewal can reshape behavior and emotional health.

He writes, “Your mind is a battlefield, and the battle for your life is always won or lost in your mind.”[1] He adds, “Our lives are always moving in the direction of our strongest thoughts. What we think shapes who we are.”[2]

Just because you're a Christian doesn't mean you've developed strong thought patterns. In fact, it's been my experience that some of the most knowledgeable Christians are also some of the most mentally undisciplined. They know what to believe, but they don't know how to think.

I write this not to cast judgment—believe me, I still have my battles—but to prompt you to do some internal digging. Some honest self-evaluation. Ask yourself:

• Do I naturally gravitate toward thoughts of self-loathing?
• Do I often say things to myself like, “Why am I so stupid?”
• Whenever a problem arises, do I naturally gravitate toward worry?
• When someone wrongs me, do I obsess over how they’ve treated me?  
• Do I dwell in a mental fantasy world where I wish could be my escape?

It’s easy to believe we can separate our thoughts from reality, but that’s not the case. What we think about and meditate on impacts who we become. Everyone has irrational, tempting, and sinful thoughts. Everyone is in a mental battle. The question becomes how we engage.

As Groeschel writes, "You cannot change what you do not confront. If you ignore the battle, you lose the battle."[3]

Embrace the Battle

The Apostle Paul wrote in Ephesians 6:12, “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers of this darkness, against evil, spiritual forces in the heavens.”

This tells us the real fight isn't always visible. It's that internal tension between truth and lies, hope and despair, faith and fear. The enemy loves to use that space to whisper things like “God forgot about you,” or “You’re not good enough.”

And over time, those lies start to feel like facts.

But God doesn’t leave you without help, and through his power, we can do as Paul instructs in 2 Corinthians 10:5 and “take every thought captive to obey Christ.” The first step to engaging in a battle is to first acknowledge that you are in one. Eugene Peterson wrote,

There is a spiritual war in progress, an all-out moral battle. There is evil and cruelty, unhappiness and illness. There is superstition and ignorance, brutality and pain. God is in continuous and energetic battle against all of it. God is for life and against death. God is for love and against hate. God is for hope and against despair. God is for heaven and against hell. There is no neutral ground in the universe. Every square foot of space is contested.[4]

So recognize this and engage. As you do, God will use your transformed thinking to result in transformed living.

One More Thing

As you engage, keep this in mind: you're more awesome than you think.

No, not in who you are, but because of who you are in Christ. Yes, you've made your mistakes—we all have—but if you're genuinely trying to follow Jesus and still feel terrible today, take heart!

Your friends probably like you way more than you think, your kids think you're more amazing than they say, and your boss appreciates your efforts more than she lets on.

So keep praying to Jesus for strength, keep reading God's Word for perspective, and keep encouraging others who are waging their own internal battles.

[1] Craig Groeschel, Winning the War in Your Mind: Change Your Thinking, Change Your Life (Colorado Springs, CO: Multnomah, 2021), 10.

[2] Ibid, 1.

[3] Ibid, 10.

[4] Eugene H. Peterson, Run with the Horses: The Quest for Life at Its Best (Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press, 2019), 39.