How Do I Love Someone Who Feels Unlovable?
It's a tough question, but here are some ideas.
One of my favorite devotional authors was the late Dennis Kinlaw. He was the founder of the Francis Asbury Society in Wilmore, Kentucky, and former president of Asbury College.
His book, This Day With the Master, remains a gem of 365 daily meditations, and his ability to distill complex truths into bite-sized sentences has encouraged many.
Although he wrote numerous books, my favorite was Let's Start With Jesus. It's one of the most foundational books you can have in your library, and it helps you realize that starting with Jesus is the answer to seeing reality in its clearest form.
A Grand Vision for Holy-Love
In addition to showing how Jesus is set apart from other gods, Kinlaw lays out a grand vision for love. He notes that, “Socrates could not conceive of love that was primarily concerned with what the lover could do for the loved rather than what the lover could acquire from the loved. To Socrates, love is self-oriented and concerned with how the other can satisfy the needs of the lover.”[1]
To Kinlaw,
The unique picture of love Jesus presents was the exact opposite of the picture that the wise men of His world understood. Jesus embodies the Old Testament revelation of God's hesed, or ‘steadfast love,’ seen in God's faithful love of Israel throughout the Old Testament. This love of God is a love relationship in which the lover loves not for what can be acquired, but for what can be given to meet the needs of the beloved.[2]
This is the love Christ has for us, and it's the basis of the love we should have for others. We love not because others deserve our love. We love because we have been perfectly loved, and our lives are meant to be an expression of what we have received.
The Basis of Others-Oriented Love
Why is God's love perfect? Because it is holy.
Kinlaw writes that beginning with Jesus brings us to a different understanding of God—“an understanding based on his triune being as Father, Son, and Spirit, three divine persons united in one being in other-oriented, self-giving, holy-love.”[3]
It took going to Bible college for me to realize theologians refer to this as the “perichoretic union.” Not to get all technical on you, but the Greek term perichōrēsis combines peri, meaning “around,” and chōreō, meaning “to make room,” “contain,” or “move within.”
This conveys the idea of a dynamic mutual indwelling in which distinct persons fully share life with one another without losing their individuality. One God, three persons. Monotheistic, yet relational.
Each person of the Godhead fully shares in the divine essence while remaining personally distinct, existing in eternal love, unity, and relationship without blending into one another. And it is into this dynamic relationship that you and I are invited to participate through Jesus Christ.
According to Kinlaw, “the very purpose of the creation was to invite us, God's creatures, to participate in the fellowship of other-oriented love that is the very life of God.”[4]
Why Is This Significant?
It’s a beautiful picture, and here is why it’s important.
Whenever someone says, "I love you," that love can mean very different things. But a love that is rooted in God's holy, perfect character is one that comes from the very nature of God and is expressed with the highest good for the one who is loved.
Holiness, in its most simplistic definition, is Christlikeness. And the expression of holiness is asking how Jesus would treat others if he were in our shoes, and then loving others based on this understanding.
To love others as God loves us isn’t to enable unhealthy habits, to say nice things in place of truth, or to get along with others. No, true love is others-oriented and seeks their good, not at the exclusion of our own, but in correlation with our good and God’s glory.
In a practical sense, the more we mature in our walk with God, the more we must grow deeper in our understanding of how to apply his holy-love in the nitty-gritty grind of life. The world has far too many Christians who can outline the truths I expressed above, yet lack the ability to treat others with whom they disagree with basic decency. They have a love that works in theory, in a textbook, but not in real life.
Embrace the Gap
So how do we express “holy-love” and love others as Jesus would love if he were in our shoes? In one sense, it is impossible.
But this is where I found so much beauty and hope. There are so many times in my Christian life that I've found myself saying, "God, I don't know how I can love this person, and so I ask you to fill the gap. Give me the supernatural ability to seek this person's greatest good, even as my flesh wants to do them harm.” And as I pray, I recognize this internal struggle is a sign that God is working in my life.
Perhaps you find yourself in this situation today. You've got someone in your life who feels unlovable. And the very idea of seeking their highest good seems impossible.
If this is where you're at, take a page out of Dennis Kinlaw's book and start with Jesus. Spend thirty minutes today in God's Word reflecting on the nature of his love for you. Do a basic word search on “love” in Scripture and read each passage thoughtfully, praying as you go, asking God to express the dynamic, wonderful love you have received.
[1] Dennis F. Kinlaw, Let’s Start with Jesus: A New Way of Doing Theology (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2005), 30.
[3] Ibid, 127.
[4] Ibid, 127.
