Is Peace Possible When Relationships Don't Improve?

Relationships are complicated.

I know it is a truistic statement, but none of us can escape its impact on our lives. Our existence is surrounded by relationships. The most introverted personality type might push back, claiming they are just fine on their own, but when life throws a curveball, even the recluse needs someone outside themselves.

If we believe that we are created in the image of God, we recognize that relationships are important to Him. God models community by being in relationship with Jesus and the Holy Spirit. The challenge seems to arise with the fact that our relationships with others have a component that can really complicate them—our humanity!

Every one of us has experienced tension in our relationships for various reasons. When the strain is with an individual in a work environment, church, or social setting, we become experts at avoidance and manage to slide back home without facing an uncomfortable interaction.

But when the troubles enter into our family relationships, the ones we really care about, it becomes an entirely different scenario. The strife seems to hurt more. We remember every word said in the last conversation. We rehearse and build a case. We wonder how long it will take for the other person to realize how wrong they have been and eagerly await the apology that must be forthcoming. I mean, don't they notice how stubborn they've been?

Peace in Difficulty

So what does peace look like when relationships remain difficult? I don't know that I have any "perfect" answers for us. God knows how many times I've failed in my own relationships and how desperately I've prayed for reconciliation and renewal. But His Word does provide some enabling steps as we move forward with what we are responsible for in pursuing peace. (By the way, denial and avoidance never make the situation healthy.)

In Romans 12:18, Paul writes,

If possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.

"If possible, as far as it depends on you..." Have you ever caught yourself skipping over the first half of this verse and focusing on the instruction to live at peace with everyone? It's easy to do. We don't often like the details. "Just tell me what the bottom line is. How do I get to the results?"

The problem is, in every relationship issue there will always be your truth, their truth, and THE truth. While I'm not implying that either side isn't being honest, I am suggesting that we often see the situation through a particular lens. The lens through which we view it is made up of past behavioral patterns we've observed, assumptions about motivations, and what we perceive as negative personality traits in the other individual. Here's the catch: the "other side" is wearing a lens as well. They are most likely just as convinced as you are that they are seeing things with accuracy.

If we adopt the first half of the verse, with the Holy Spirit's help, we can take our lens off and ask for wisdom and discernment to see the situation clearly. Our prayer can go from "Lord, change them" to "Lord, how can I see them and this situation with clarity and discernment, without the lens I've been wearing?" When we get to this place of honesty, we are moving toward "...as far as it depends on you...".

So what does it look like to practice peace as far as it depends on you? Here are a couple of practical thoughts on living a life of peace:

Know When to Chase

We tend to cling to those things that are most important to us. I would assume that relationships are among the most important aspects of our lives. As I get ready to celebrate another trip around the sun (my birthday), I realize they have become more vital to me than ever before.

I do not remember where I first heard this illustration, but it has stuck with me. How many of you enjoy a luxurious piece of chocolate? Picture with me a child holding on to their favorite piece of chocolate candy, vigorously guarding it against any intruding fingers or pets that might steal it away from them. You might tease them that you're going to take it and eat it, so they clench it even tighter. They want it! Badly! However, when they finally get around to popping it in their mouth, it has become a squished, melted mess. But they won't give up, so they begin trying to lick it off their palm, which in turn creates an even bigger mess to clean up.

We often try so hard to fix a problem and want a resolution so badly that we grasp it tightly, only to create a bigger mess than if we had just given the Holy Spirit some space and time to work. His work in our lives and relationships brings about a much cleaner, healthier resolution. Can we not cling so tightly and trust Him?

I believe Jesus modeled this type of behavior in John 6. Within that chapter is a passage that addresses many disciples or followers of Jesus who decided to move on. "From that moment many of his disciples turned back and no longer accompanied him." (John 6:66) I don't read any account of Jesus getting into a panic and chasing after them. There are times I have chased too hard after resolution, but if the Holy Spirit hasn't finished His work, I will end up making the situation worse.

Remain Faithful

As we seek the presence of Jesus and stay faithful in praying over the situation, He will bring us comfort and strength to remain faithful in the relationship. No matter what the other person does, we can still choose to be who God calls us to be. The peace we are looking for comes by abiding in the presence of Jesus instead of the perceived "comfort" and familiarity of the spirit of offense Satan would have us remain in.

Be Quick To Release

How many of us have seen individuals do everything just right while things continue to fall apart? You can apologize for your side of the issues, remove every self-imposed lens, be continually in the presence of Jesus, remain ever so faithful, and still experience hard relationships. At that point, the only thing left to do is to release it. It can be difficult to do, but remember, God moves in His timing, and we grow in our faith and victory as we stay surrendered. At this point, we have realized the "if possible, as far as it depends on you..." aspect of the verse.

"Lord, grant me your peace as I navigate difficult relationships. Open my eyes to see things as they are, not through a faulty lens that may cloud my vision. Give me grace to step back and let the Spirit work instead of chasing after a resolution too hard. Enable me to be the person you have called me to be, and keep me from hanging on to things that should be left in your hands. Teach me to be a person of peace. Amen."