You Need to Dial It Down

Well over a decade ago, I sought counseling from a Christian man who had a very direct, pointed, and often blunt way of communicating. He was older, had lived a lot of life, and had no shortage of wisdom to share. I recall going to him with some challenges I was experiencing in my personal relationships. I just couldn’t seem to figure out a way forward.

My counselor, Swede, asked me question after question and seemed genuinely
perplexed by my dilemma. I couldn't understand why my efforts to keep a healthy
relationship with someone in my life were falling apart. I explained that all my phone calls, texts, and gentle attempts to reach out had gone unanswered.

His next statement has never left me. “You need to dial it down!”

I was confused. First off, I had no idea what he meant.

He explained, “Imagine a dial for a moment. There is a sixty at the top that counts down to one. Some people deserve a sixty because they are emotionally safe, loving and kind, and able to receive and reciprocate. But others belong at a two, because they're not safe and aren't able to give love or hold space for you.”

I'll admit that really challenged my faith, because it didn't sound very Christ-like. I
wrestled with it. Aren't we supposed to give sacrificially? As Christ-followers, aren't we supposed to love the people who don't deserve it? Yes, of course we are. But there's another part of the equation that's just as true.

We can be loving and still keep healthy boundaries. We don't have to give full access to people who mistreat us or cause us harm. Dialing someone down to a 2 never meant cutting them off. It meant still being kind, still praying for them, but no longer pouring my whole heart into a cup that couldn't hold it. That's why this verse matters so much. We're called to guard our hearts.

“Guard your heart above all else, for it is the source of life.” —Proverbs 4:23

That verse hits me hard, because I am a BIG-hearted person. I love BIG! And when you love big, your heart is exactly what's most at risk.

My old self would have tried, and tried, and tried some more to force peace and restoration by any means, and until I got it, I had no peace at all. It became a dying-to- self process. I had to learn how to release control and lean into Jesus more than ever. I recognized some co-dependent tendencies in my life that needed healing. Whenever I pursued a heart-level relationship with a friend or family member who didn't reciprocate, the rejection sent me spiraling downhill. I'd feel so discouraged, and I knew something had to change. That “dial it down” comment ended up changing my life in profound ways.

What Helped Me Heal

Here are the steps that have helped me the most.

• I took my brokenness to the only One who can heal it: Jesus. I'd prayerfully
  picture myself handing it over to Him, and His peace would wash over me.
• I wrote down the painful emotions, released forgiveness, and threw the paper
  away when I needed to.
• I shared honestly with trusted, godly mentors and my husband.
• I worshipped, even when I didn't feel like it.
• I prayed for the person who hurt me. (Hold onto your seat, this one is tough.)
• I reminded myself whose I am: Jesus Christ, and no one else.
• I accepted that there will always be reminders that bring pain, but that doesn't mean I have to spiral.

When I first started living this out, I often felt guilty. I realized I hadn't respected myself in years. Chasing deep relationships with people who didn't have the capacity to love me back revealed just how poor I was at setting healthy boundaries for myself.

I was so good at loving others well, but I had completely overlooked my own health and well-being. Thank the Lord for godly friends, my husband's protection over my heart, and constant prayer.

I'd love to say I never fall into this same trap, but that wouldn't be true. What I can say, with deep gratitude, is that I do a whole lot better than I used to.

I'll add one caution, though: boundaries can be misused, too. I've watched people hide behind them, writing others off for no real reason and calling it “protecting my peace” when it's really just avoidance. That's not what this is about. Setting a healthy boundary isn't about punishing someone or slamming a door in their face; it's about loving them from a distance that's safe for my own heart. I can hold space for someone in prayer without handing them the keys to my peace.

I've learned to dial it down. How about you?

The Holy Spirit will gently guide you as you learn to set healthier boundaries, and
seeking godly counsel is always a wise choice.