Alive in Christ

“I want to hang this in my room and give it to Jesus when he comes to get me.” As early as preschool years, I loved Jesus and looked forward to his return—planning to give him a depiction of him and his parents when I met him. I will never forget reading the entire children's Bible that my kindergarten teacher gave me at graduation.

The book illustration that sticks in my mind is Jesus standing with scarred hands outstretched, looking at the reader with a kind invitation. The final words in this kid's Bible were from the final verse in Revelation—“Even so, come, Lord Jesus.”

As a child, I paused on that page and felt so peaceful and comforted. I do not remember the first time I prayed in repentance and asked Jesus to live in my heart, as was the childhood prayer I was guided to pray. I know I loved Jesus and so deeply wanted to walk with him since I can remember. Although I went through a phase in elementary school when I struggled with some dishonesty to my family, and a year in high school when I battled with negative peer pressure, God was right there speaking, calling me to repent, and drawing me back to a close relationship with him.

A Rough Terrain

It was not all smooth sailing, though. I understood the preaching and teaching I heard in church and camps to mean I needed to be good enough to earn God's favor—I heard about “by grace through faith,” but so much of the practice I heard and saw sounded like figuring out how to please God to get him to want me. I understood teaching about surrendering to the Spirit of God to mean I needed to figure out how to make myself obedient enough at a specific point in time to receive something special.

The weight was heavy. God seemed distant and turned away for the most part, turning to look at me only when I had figured out how to be practically perfect according to what I knew to do or not do.

In addition to this, unfortunately, the church leaders and Christian school leaders proved to have significant blind spots and hang-ups that had a significant impact on my spiritual journey. I will always be grateful that a relative I trusted deeply taught me at a young age that pastors and spiritual leaders do not always represent God or his ways well.

I never doubted God one time during any of the church turmoil—I believed that these people just were not representing him well in some crucial areas. This conviction stays with me today, even as I have gracious thoughts toward them in hope that they have or will grow beyond those actions.

A Healing Truth

In college and after, I leaned into learning Scripture and theology more deeply. I believed that this study would help heal my theological wounds, grow my understanding of God not just as knowledge but as beautifully livable truth, and hopefully influence others. I wasn't wrong.

The starting place, the foundation if you will, was an exegetical study of Romans 6. Verse 4 says, “We were buried therefore with him by baptism into death, in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, we too might walk in newness of life.” (ESV)

I learned about union with Christ, being in Him, as a theological concept and spiritual reality for the first time. When I responded to his drawing, even as a child, and repented, I was united with Christ in his death and resurrection. I am alive in him, reconciled to God, sealed with the Spirit, set free from slavery to sin and free to obey by his grace as I walk in relationship with him—repenting when I need to, letting him renew my mind as he not only turns toward me but walks closely with me, teaching and training me.

Over some months and years, I gradually internalized this reality deeply, changing old habitual thinking into Romans 6 thinking and connection to God. He began to speak these through me to other believers around me as well. How incredible is his grace!

A Painful Setback

I had leaned hard into Scripture study, believing that it could fix all the theological and practical issues I had observed or experienced in earlier years. Then, I learned through difficult circumstances that even Christian leaders who helped with such an incredible journey can have blind spots that bring them to weaponize Scripture to protect themselves.

I was so relieved when the first instance was acknowledged as weaponizing the Bible and repented of, but deeply heartbroken when following instances were not, including doubling down. It took quite a while for the shock and pain to settle enough to process what had happened—coming to Scripture was now a mixed experience for me.

Of course, it is the revelation of God to us, but the words in it can be misused, even by people who are in Christ, too. I had thought people from my past may need to understand more about Scripture to help them with the blind spots that impacted me as a younger person—now, blind spots in this new, seemingly more mature or renewed place were exposed, appearing even more closely related to God, explicitly using his revelation. The disorienting effect this had is more complex and deep than I can even understand, let alone have words to explain.

A New Resilience

The path forward has been hills and valleys, all with God's presence close to lead me in one direction.

• I have found a need to find my footing in apologetic arguments for Christ's Lordship, truth claims, and historical resurrection. [1]
• I have rested in the belief that Christianity does indeed explain the reality of humanity and the world more sensibly and comprehensively than any other philosophy or religion. [2]
• I have turned to writings that remind me of the plain and main things in Scripture—the good news of the person and work of Christ and his serving example. [3]

I have been pulled back to the starting point of my faith, and by God's grace, my faith is stronger for it. Today, although the residual impact continues, the impact has resulted in deeper understanding of the continual need for God’s work in all of us. I rest more fully in Christ, even as the need for more growth in His church is evident. 

I am alive in Christ. Some day I will see him, like I dreamed of as a kid, and will join all the other believers, even those whose blind spots burdened me, to be presented spotless and holy in him. Until then, I am grateful that God is renewing me, along with all who are also in Christ, to be more like him every day. 

1 Peter Kreeft and Ronald K. Tacelli, Handbook of Christian Apologetics (Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press, 1994), see chapters 7 and 8, "The Divinity of Christ" (149–174) and "The Resurrection" (175–198).

2 C. S. Lewis, Mere Christianity (New York: HarperOne, 2001). Lewis's cumulative case for Christianity as the most coherent explanation of human nature, particularly in Book 1, significantly informed this conviction. See also Lewis, "Is Theology Poetry?" in The Weight of Glory (New York: HarperCollins, 1949).

3 Philip Yancey, The Jesus I Never Knew (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 1995), and Dennis F. Kinlaw, Let's Start with Jesus: A New Way of Doing Theology (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2005).