What Should I Do If I Want to Have an Affair?
A bit of a heavy topic, but an important one.
"Since life is short, why not have an affair?"
This is a challenge the online dating platform Ashley Madison poses to its nearly 75 million worldwide users who are looking for intimacy outside their marriages. While an infamous 2015 data breach threatened the survival of this company, it's since seen significant growth, as the desire to have affairs doesn't wane.
When asked why people cheat on their spouses, the director of communications for Ashley Madison replied, "Our members often tell us that marriage isn't all that they thought it would be, and after the honeymoon fades and kids come into the picture, things shift. The relationship becomes less about passion and sex between the couple and more about the everyday life of the family unit."[1]
This is a challenge for those outside and inside the church. And I'm told it's not limited to age.
A couple of weeks ago, when I was prepping to speak on the topic of sexual immorality at my church, I reached out to an older pastor and shared my text. When I did, his response was, "Never underestimate the draw of porn to older men (and pastors). Many my age admit to struggling with watching it. It’s weird but unhealthy curiosity never seems to go away."
This was a challenge Solomon addresses in Proverbs 5.
The Allure of Sin
In verse 15, after warning a young son against falling prey to seduction, Solomon says, "Drink water from your own cistern, water flowing from your own well." Adding a bit of background, Robert Alter writes,
"The association of the well with female fertility and especially with the womb (or vagina) is reflected both in the Song of Songs and in the recurrent betrothal type-scene, where the young man encounters his future bride by a well. The pure waters of the well are an antithesis to the sweet honey and smooth oil of the seductress's mouth.”[2]
In other words, like any sin, affairs feel exhilarating in the moment but result in untold pain.
Proverbs 5 is reminiscent of the story of Joseph. Noting this parallel, Bruce Waltke writes, “The son’s lips must speak the truth, as Joseph’s did with Potiphar’s wife, to fend off the malevolent, unctuous speech issuing from the lips (śiptê) of the unchaste wife.”[2] He must fight for his marriage, even when every impulse he has is to do otherwise.
This brings us to an important question: Why do Christian marriages fail? Among the many responses that could be given, the one guarantee is that at least one partner in the marriage has lost sight of the true purpose of marriage.
The True Purpose of Marriage
When we see the primary goal of marriage as personal happiness, the Ashley Madison path will be alluring.
But when we step back and recognize how marriage fits into God’s grand narrative for humanity, we find a stabilizing purpose and value—even in those moments after the honeymoon fades.
There are some life lessons only learned in the context of marriage. As Tim and Kathy Keller write,
“Marriage brings growth that is impossible outside of the security of the bonded union. Because you cannot just walk away when things get difficult, it brings increased self-knowledge, emotional and spiritual growth, deep mutual affirmation and support, and the distinct joy you can have only in the presence of someone with whom you have been through thick and thin.”[3]
Start With God
So where are you at today? If you are married, are you tempted to have an affair? If you're single, are you tempted to fall prey to sexual immorality? If so, reach out to someone you trust who can help, and then focus your eyes on the true purpose of marriage.
Ultimately, a healthy marriage starts with a healthy view of God, his love for us, and his expectation of the way we are to love others.
It’s easy to settle for going through the motions in marriage and fall into maintenance mode. You lose the infatuation Solomon writes about in verses 18-19 when he says, “Let your fountain be blessed, and take pleasure in the wife of your youth. A loving deer, a graceful doe—let her breasts always satisfy you; be lost in her love forever.”
To keep the passion alive, it's imperative to regain a healthy view of Christ and his love for his bride, the church. Think on these words from Ephesians 5:22-26, which say,
22 Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord, 23 because the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of the body. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives are to submit to their husbands in everything. 25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing her with the washing of water by the word.
Then take actionable steps this week to stay strong.
[1] Carolyn Steber, "The 3 Different Ages When People Are Most Likely to Cheat," Bustle, accessed December 17, 2023, https://www.bustle.com/p/the-3-different-ages-when-people-are-most-likely-to-cheat-16974054#:~:text=Ages%2030%20to%2039%20%E2%80%93%2032%25&text=Out%20of%20the%202%2C099%20people,about%20straying%20from%20their%20marriage.%22.
[2]Bruce K. Waltke, The Book of Proverbs, Chapters 1–15, New International Commentary on the Old Testament. Accordance electronic ed. (Grand Rapids: Eerdmans, 2004), 307.
[3] Timothy Keller and Kathy Keller, God's Wisdom for Navigating Life, (New York: Penguin Publishing Group, 2017), 161.
