Why Your Marriage Comes First (and How to Tell Your In-Laws)

It has been said that for a marriage to have any hope of succeeding, a couple needs to be on the same page about 4 things before they get married: money, kids, religion, and in-laws. 

I think we can all understand the reasoning behind the first three. But what about in-laws? Does one's dynamic with extended family, parents, and in-laws really deserve to be on such an important list? I think it matters as much as almost anything in a marriage because defining a couple’s relationships and priorities with parents and in-laws simultaneously defines priorities within a marriage. When this goes bad, it really goes bad. 

I know a couple whose marriage serves as an example of how relationships with parents and in-laws can be managed poorly, and the immense problems this can create. I’ll keep their identities private, but don’t worry, I’m not talking about you…probably!

The couple married young and started out, as all young married couples do, with incredible joy and hope for the future. Unfortunately, issues with the in-laws raised some red flags. The problem was the husband’s perceived loyalty and his priorities among his family members. He was very close to his parents, and they, especially his mother, treated the wife with coldness and even passive-aggressive hostility at times. 

The parents would often make plans and expect this young couple to go along, despite the wife having reservations or other desires. How did the husband respond? With silence. He said nothing, despite his wife’s complaints; either tacitly taking the side of his parents or simply being too passive to stand up to their desires. This caused many problems for this young couple. Sadly, their marriage didn’t survive, leaving their children in an unfortunate position. 

I only have an outside perspective on their situation, but I can’t help but wonder why the young husband seemed to side with his parents over his own wife. I know there were other problems, but I’m certain this issue created deep problems in their marriage. It is heartbreaking to see two people joined together by God in marriage split apart because of relations with parents and in-laws (among other things). He never learned to put his wife before his parents, and it cost him.

To Leave and To Cleave

So how should a Christian couple relate to their parents and in-laws? Are there any good biblical guidelines to help us navigate this sometimes-touchy subject? The answer is, YES! But before we can talk about how extended family should be handled, it’s vital to first understand marriage itself. What does marriage mean? How should a husband and wife relate to one another?

To understand this topic, we need to go back to the beginning, when man and woman were created, and the first couple came together. In Genesis, chapter 2, God creates all living things, and the pinnacle of his creation is Adam. Adam is the first man, the highest creature on earth who tends to the garden of paradise and delights in the presence of God. Up to this point, God proclaimed that everything he had made was good. But in Genesis 2:18, God says, “It is NOT GOOD for man to be alone.”

Man is not meant to be an isolated entity. Alone, he is missing something. He needs a partner. God then parades all the animals before Adam, who exercises his authority over all creatures by naming them. Genesis 2:20 says, “But for Adam, no suitable helper was found.”

Put yourself in Adam’s “shoes" and try to imagine what was going through his mind at that moment. Adam was missing something. It wasn’t good that he was alone. He needed a partner; a counterpart. But after surveying the whole created order, not a single suitable helper was found! Imagine the weight of that moment! In my fallen heart, I imagine I would feel shock, anger, or even despair. Was he doomed to a life of deficiency?

But then in an act rich with love and meaning, God took a piece of Adam’s body and made a new and special creation. Out of a rib, God created woman. Genesis 2:23-24 gives us the remarkable story of when God brought Eve to Adam for the first time:

And the man said: "This one, at last, is bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh; this one will be called 'woman,' for she was taken from man." This is why a man leaves his father and mother and bonds with his wife, and they become one flesh.

Can you feel that rush of love, relief, gratitude, wholeness, and goodness? The symbolism of Adam’s missing rib being formed into his perfect counterpart is profound. The part of himself that he’s missing is his own wife! The two are not complete without the other, and for this reason a man will leave his parents and instead be united to each other, and the two will become ONE flesh.

This one-ness isn’t merely a sacrament based on the standards of church law, nor is it a mere contract based on the standards of civil law. Marriage is a covenant which is rooted in divine law.

Regarding this “one flesh” reality, Raymond Ortland, Jr. said,

It is the profound fusion of two lives into one, shared life together, by mutual consent and covenant of marriage. It is the complete and permanent giving over of oneself into a new circle of shared existence with one’s partner.

Ultimately, a marriage is an act of creation where two distinct individuals become one complete entity—an exclusive, permanent, sacred covenant before God.

Family First? Which One?

So where do the in-laws, parents, siblings, grandparents, etc. fit into all this? To some, the answer is difficult to digest, but it is so important that we understand it. Parents and in-laws are not a part of the marriage, and they must take a lower priority than the unity and flourishing of the marriage. 

When a man and woman come together before God, they are embarking on a new adventure. They are pledging themselves to a new set of priorities. Their lives are no longer their own but are inextricably bound to another. Their spouse has now become their primary priority, after God Himself. 

But isn’t honoring one’s father and mother one of the Ten Commandments? Yes! And we should all give honor and respect to our parents and in-laws not only because we are commanded to but also because of the immense, thankless responsibility they have shouldered in loving and raising us to adulthood, in most cases. They deserve our honor. However, honor does not mean obedience for adult children. We should value the input of our parents, especially given their wisdom and experience, but we should not confuse value and honor with adherence to their way of doing things. 

The danger for some is they desire to be united with their spouse without separating from their parents. They want to “cleave” but not “leave.” When this happens, it creates conflicting priorities within a marriage and can lead to hurt feelings and dysfunctional family dynamics.

Rules for Relatives

So what should a family dynamic look like in real life? Here are what I consider to be some good practical guidelines:

1. Start with prayer. When trouble brews between a couple and their extended family, always begin by seeking divine assistance. Ask God to give you wisdom in navigating delicate family interactions.
2. Give honor where honor is due. In most cases, parents and in-laws have invested decades of love, sacrifice, and patience to raise you and your spouse. Even when the dynamic is tough, they deserve your fundamental respect.
3. Remain humble. Parents and in-laws can be a wealth of knowledge, compassion, and practical help. They may actually know a thing or two that you don’t! Be open to learning from them.
4. Protect your spouse from becoming the enemy. When boundaries need to be set or tough conversations had, address your own parents directly. Be the one to deliver hard truths. Your parents will forgive you; they may not be as quick to forgive your spouse. 
5. Have courage! Stand fiercely for your spouse and children. Scripture commands that you leave your father and mother to cleave to your spouse. Your new household is now your primary priority, not your family of origin. 

Navigating complex extended family dynamics is rarely simple. It requires a constant, delicate balance of compromise and firm boundaries.  While there is no one-size-fits-all formula for every family grievance, there is a golden rule that applies to all of them. As 1 Corinthians reminds us: “Let all that you do be done in love.”