What Does Love Look Like When Family Is Complicated?

I am the oldest of three children and the oldest on my in-laws’ side as well (my wife is the second of seven), so you could say I have the most life wisdom held within me…(insert massive eye roll from my sisters).

Jokes aside, my wife and I both come from Christian homes and were raised by Christian parents. I grew up in church and primarily attended a private Christian school. Because of this, I was surrounded by godly people and influences for most of my life, "cushioning" me from the rest of the world.

This environment, however helpful, did not eliminate temptation or worldly influences. I Peter 5:8 cautions us to be alert, for our adversary, the devil, is like a prowling lion, looking for anyone he can devour. Christians are not exempt from temptation; I've been targeted by the enemy, and I know our family has been, too.

In today’s world, there are so many potential complications when we interact with people, and once those things hit closer to home, family matters are made that much more complex. Take divorce, for example. What are holidays going to look like? What about family nights? How are we going to navigate the details of entire-family gatherings?

Even though my wife and I were raised in the same family as our siblings, our lives look virtually nothing like most of theirs. On both my side and my wife’s side of the family, we have family members—siblings in particular—dealing with a plethora of issues from sexual identity issues, potential divorce, unequally yoked marriages, unbiblical living situations, and resentment towards other family members. Family functions have become increasingly challenging as our families grow and “mature.”

Taking Sides

It is incredibly difficult to find middle ground with anyone these days, especially if you spend even a few minutes online. Everything is so polarized—either you’re on my side, or you’re the enemy.

With many of the issues we deal with within our own family, the feelings can be the same, where disagreeing with someone means you don't love them. Today’s passage, Romans 12:9-18, is the anchor my wife and I try to hold to whenever we gather with family, when conflict could arise at any point.

Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord. Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. Contribute to the needs of the saints and seek to show hospitality. Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them. Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly. Never be wise in your own sight. Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.

Loving difficult people can already be challenging, but when it’s your own family, the difficulty is taken to the next level. You don’t want to see them self-destructing or hurting other family members. Why are they making the choices they are making? Can't they see that their choices are impacting those around them?

At the end of the day, though, we are called to love them as Christ would. Matthew 5:9 says, “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.” When we disagree with family members, we may not always be seen as peacemakers, but we can still demonstrate love for each other in the words we use and the ways we act and react. 

Tension and Grace

As a father now, I struggle with family functions in ways I didn't before. How much do I want my daughter around certain people? How much influence are they going to have on her? It’s so easy, though, to get wrapped up in my own little world and disregard their feelings. Just because they make decisions that may affect those around them negatively doesn't mean we love them any less. They’re still human and deserve every ounce of love Jesus would show them.

They may be struggling with their identity, but they still deserve the honor of being shown they are a child of the Most High God. We may strongly disagree on fundamental ideologies or political ideas, but they were created uniquely and still deserve to be heard—sometimes all they may need is someone to listen. The biggest struggle I have is setting my pride aside and just listening to their perspective (as wild as it may be). 

Now, loving someone does not mean I have to agree with their lifestyle, but I can continue to show them the love of Christ. They’re still invited to the table. They are still welcome in my home. I have boundaries in place, but I still make a daily choice to love my extended family.

The biggest and most profound way to show my love for them is to pray for them continually. The very least I can do is lift my entire family up in prayer and give them to the Creator of the universe Who holds all things together in His hands.

I’m sure that, after reading this, someone close to you who is difficult to love came to mind. Maybe that person just needs a reminder that they are loved by you and by the King of Kings. Don’t be afraid to continue loving those difficult people. As someone who somehow earned the nickname “obsti-NATE” at one point in my childhood, I know that having people around me who continued to show me their love had a positive impact on me.

Everyone deserves to be loved. Everyone deserves to be honored and respected. Everyone deserves to be shown humility. Go out and show some Christ-filled love; someone is waiting for you!