Surprise! I'm Not Actually Perfect.

My life has been a pattern of mistakes and misprioritizations.

Case in point: At this very moment, Microsoft Word is telling me my leading sentence is a mistake. Misprioritizations? that squiggly red line asks. Are you sure that’s a real word?

Well, no. But I trust the person reading this gets my meaning. And the mistake only serves my point.

Much of my life has been spent striving for perfection, yet failing time and time again. I was the boy who often stayed quiet for fear of saying the wrong thing. I was the big brother who had to set an example for... well, my brother, sure, but also apparently the entire world. I was the kid who spent an hour taking an optional math final for the chance to bump my grade from an A- to an A. I held perfection in the highest regard. And while that was great for job interviews (where I could honestly say that my biggest weakness was being too perfect), the self-imposed expectations threw my life out of balance.

I’ve spent much of my life trying to “earn” my way. Trying to prove myself in ways that don’t really matter at all. And that, at the end of so many days, just left me stressed out. I was working so hard. Where was my reward? Where was the promised fulfillment?

Life, at times, felt empty.

It still does, sometimes, even when it’s packed so full. I have a good family, a good job, and a good community. I was lucky enough to be born into a time when jalapeño potato chips were a thing. And yet, sometimes, things just feel off. It’s this draining, hollow void of a feeling. Really not great at all.

And yet, it might also be one of the most incredible blessings in my life.

The Blessing of Being Let Down

"Repent, for the kingdom of heaven has come near." Matthew 3:2

Repentance has never been my favorite word.

For a long time, I saw it as a kind of self-condemnation. I’m expected to call out my imperfections, seriously? As a perfectionist, I’m kind of against every aspect of that.

But then, one day, my understanding of the word completely shifted. Repentance isn’t about focusing on every little problem in our hearts. It’s not focusing on ourselves at all. It’s about turning our eyes to Jesus and aligning ourselves with Him. And when I do that, the kingdom of heaven does seem to come near. I’m closer to the thing that matters most.

In Christ, my days become more intentional. He gives clarity about what is worth investing in. He teaches me what actually matters.

I was reminded of that at work a few weeks ago. I was struggling at work to figure out how I should act as a leader. I was carrying guilt over small things after trying to exercise authority, and felt like things generally just weren’t clicking. I got into “self-help” mode, recrafting my leadership style as a means to an end. But then, by chance, I came across the fruit of the Spirit in Galatians 5:22-23.

“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Against such things there is no law.”

I’d heard that scripture many times before, but in that moment, things just clicked. That was the fruit I wanted in my life and in our office. That realization brought peace to how I acted as a leader, doing away with the guilt and uncertainty I’d been holding. I wasn’t called to play games and politics at work, but to invest in the ways of the kingdom.

My life, up to that moment, was out of alignment. I felt the emptiness and powerlessness of a man unsure where to turn. Even in trying to do good, in striving to perfect my circumstances, nothing seemed to work. That’s what life out of alignment with Christ feels like: a life of grasping after good things, hoping for fulfillment, but ultimately and inevitably being let down.

And yet, isn’t there tremendous blessing in being let down by the world? It signals that something is wrong. We’re not there yet.

It reminds us when we’re not attuned to the kingdom of God, nor the one who brings true fulfillment.

The Certain Peace

There have been seasons when I lived closely with Christ, and seasons when I haven’t. When I’m out of alignment, life becomes a restless search for fulfillment in things that were never meant to carry that weight.

But in Christ, my imperfection is satisfied by certain peace.

The flaws I used to hate in myself are now a blessing: a constant reminder to turn my eyes to Him. New contexts and situations bring new challenges. But each time I fall out of alignment, enduring the blessing of being let down, I’m reminded of what truly matters, and how I’m called to live in the practical day-to-day.

To hold steadfast to the example of Christ, letting Him guide all I do.