Before, During, and After the Life-Changing Grace of God in My Life

Before

Before Jesus, I was poor in spirit. I had nothing inside myself to help myself, and no one else had anything that could help me. I was in a total state of
withoutness.

“Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.” Matthew 5:3

I was same-sex attracted. I was in the midst of a decision-making process—a decision that would affect my entire life. Was I going to “go gay” with my same-sex/homosexual attraction or not?

If not, then what would my life look like? To me, it looked like a life without anyone (a man) to love me the way I wanted to be loved, and without anyone to love the way I wanted to love someone (a man).

To love and be loved by a woman felt impossible, so it wasn’t even an option.

To “go gay” seemed miserable. I went to gay bars, parties, and organizations. All I saw were things I did not want for my relationships—lying, promiscuity, hiding, selfishness, addictions…I didn’t want any of it. But I did find comfort in being with others who felt the same way I did—attracted to the same sex.

Both options looked hopelessly miserable.

During this time, I asked everyone I could think of—straight people, gay people, clergy, family — “What do you think about me ‘going gay’?” Their answers produced troubling confusion within me.

• Clergy: “It’s not OK to ‘go gay.’” / “It’s OK to ‘go gay.’”
• Straights: “It’s not OK to ‘go gay.’” / “It’s OK to ‘go gay.’”
• Family: “It’s not OK to ‘go gay.’” / “It’s OK to ‘go gay.’”
• Gays: “It’s OK to ‘go gay.’”

At the same time, repressed memories of repeated sexual molestation I had endured were coming into my consciousness. It felt like I was getting to know
two separate people—one who was repeatedly molested, and one who was homosexual. But these two people were me. My soul was in crisis.

Depression hit me hard. My soul found no relief—only pain and confusion. I began having thoughts of ending my life. Then I thought, “What does God say about ‘going gay’?” And I said, “God, if You say it’s OK to ‘go gay,’ then I will. If not, then I won’t. Period.”

During

A friend recommended a small prayer group. “Sure, I’ll try anything,” I said.

Up to this point, I believed in God, but I did not have a personal and dynamic relationship with Him through His Son, Jesus.

The people in the prayer group did. They had a living relationship with Jesus. They had love, joy, truth, and peace—and they said it was Jesus. I wanted that. I was poor in spirit—nothing inside myself to help myself, and no one else had anything to help me.

“I [Jesus] am the way, the truth, and the life.” John 14:6

I received Jesus as my Savior.

He made it clear to me through His Spirit and His Word that homosexuality was not His design or intent, and that I was to follow Him closely.

I said to myself…
“Jesus, You’re the first man I trust enough not to hurt me — the first man I’m going to let love me.”

After

I made Jesus the Lord of my life.

“He has granted us new life to rebuild the house of our God and repair its ruins.” Ezra 9:9

He asked me to surrender everything unto Him—and I did—all of the following:

• Relationships: past, present, future
• Thinking: beliefs about men, women, sex, self, and Him
• Desires, feelings, wants, needs
• My past and its effects on my soul
• My future: dreams, plans, ideas
• Identity: how I named myself
• My body and behaviors

Transformation in these areas of my personhood was not easy. Some were wrought with significant pain, including recovery from the repeated sexual molestation I endured as a child and teenager.

As I followed Him, He directed me in all these areas. I obeyed, and I was transformed from the inside out.

• My relationships changed.
• My thinking was replaced with God’s truth.
• My desires changed—the things I once desired I came to hate; the things I feared I grew to love.
• The effects of my past changed—I was no longer compelled by sin.
• My future changed—the decisions I made redirected my life.
• My identity changed—I absorbed the names by which God described me.
• My behaviors changed—I did things that pleased God.

After (Continued)

I lived as a content single man.

My personal relationship with Jesus intensified.

My human relationships were rich. My friends spanned demographics—peers, singles, married couples without children, married couples with children, and older “whitehaired” saints. Another change was that my friendships with females
decreased. Women were no longer my best or only friends.

My friendships with guys were a blast! I no longer feared them, nor did I covet them. It was liberating. There is a saying: "You have to be a man among men before you can be a man with a woman." I found this to be true.

I met the woman who would become my wife. We dated for about two years and were married shortly thereafter. It was glorious in every way! Our daughter was born about four years into our marriage. Joy! She is now married to a terrific guy,
and they have given us our first grandchild. Double joy!

The God who gives life to the dead and calls into being things that were not. Romans 4:17