What Real Friendship Looks Like (1 Samuel 18-20)

A Few Thoughts to Consider

How many close friends do you have?

According to a recent Pew Research poll, about 8% of Americans surveyed said they had none.[1] This is leading to what some describe as “a loneliness epidemic.”[2] When we read the Bible, we see how friendship is an integral part of human existence. As Proverbs 18:24 says, “There is a friend who stays closer than a brother.”

In 1 Samuel 20, we see the story of Jonathan, King Saul's son, and his deep friendship with David, who is fleeing from Saul's jealousy and murderous intent. Jonathan and David devise a plan to test Saul's intentions, using David's absence from a new moon festival as a trigger. Jonathan agrees to observe Saul's reaction and communicate it to David through a pre-arranged signal involving arrows. Saul's anger confirms his desire to kill David, leading Jonathan to warn David of the danger. The chapter highlights the emotional farewell between Jonathan and David, where they reaffirm their loyal friendship and make a covenant before the Lord.

As we read, there are several important points to note. First, David’s in a tough spot. “After witnessing four attempts on his life in one day, David certainly had no reason to doubt Saul’s determination to kill him.”^[3] Now, he must say goodbye to his wife, his best friend, and his family to live like a fugitive. The imagery in this passage is fascinating. In verse 11, Jonathan says, “Come on, let’s go out to the countryside,” and there he makes this declaration.

¹² “By the Lord, the God of Israel, I will sound out my father by this time tomorrow or the next day. If I find out that he is favorable toward you, will I not send for you and tell you? ¹³ If my father intends to bring evil on you, may the Lord punish Jonathan and do so severely if I do not tell you and send you away so you may leave safely. May the Lord be with you, just as he was with my father. ¹⁴ If I continue to live, show me kindness from the Lord, but if I die, ¹⁵ don’t ever withdraw your kindness from my household—not even when the Lord cuts off every one of David’s enemies from the face of the earth.” ¹⁶ Then Jonathan made a covenant with the house of David, saying, “May the Lord hold David’s enemies accountable.”

Notice the sharp contrast between Jonathan’s actions here and Cain’s actions in Genesis 4:8, where it says, “Cain said to his brother Abel, ‘Let’s go out to the field.’ And while they were in the field, Cain attacked his brother Abel and killed him.” As Ronald Youngblood writes, Cain “used the privacy [the field] afforded to kill him. By contrast Jonathan said the same thing to his covenanted brother David (v. 11), but used the privacy of the field to assure him of his undying loyalty.”^[4]

Based on the covenantal type of love Yahweh extends to his people, rather than garnering favor with his father by betraying his best friend, Jonathan extends covenantal friendship to David. He does this even though doing so means that, in the worst-case scenario, his father might kill him, and in the best-case scenario, David would be king instead of him.

But this is what true friendship is all about. True friendship isn’t based on similar interests. It’s based on loving others as God has loved us. When we enter friendships as quid pro quo transactions, we always look for how the other person can help us. Do they make me feel happy? Do they complete something in my life that’s missing? Do they help advance my career?

While these factors might be nice, the true test of friendship is how each person responds when the heat is on, and there is no personal advantage for the relationship to continue. Be a friend like this to others and you’ve become a friend that is closer than a brother.

A Meditation to PRAY

Praise | I praise you for the profound examples of loyalty and friendship you have woven throughout the fabric of your Word, particularly as seen in the bond between David and Jonathan. Their commitment to each other, even in the face of great danger, reminds me of the depth of relationship you desire for us, reflecting your own steadfast love and faithfulness.

Release | I release into your hands my own friendships, trusting you to guard them and to grow them into deep, godly connections that honor you. Help me to a friend who loves at all times, who is there in adversity as well as in joy, mirroring the sacrificial love Jonathan showed David.

Ask | I ask for the wisdom to navigate my relationships with grace and truth, to be a source of encouragement, strength, and accountability to those you have placed in my life. Give me the courage to stand by my friends, to support them in their trials, and to celebrate with them in their triumphs, just as Jonathan and David did.

Yield | I yield to your guidance, knowing you are the perfect example of friendship. Teach me to love like you do, without conditions or reservations. Let my friendships testify to your unfailing love and be a reflection of your kingdom here on earth.

A Challenge to Act Like Christ  

After Jonathan’s death, in 2 Samuel 1:26, David says, “I grieve for you, Jonathan, my brother. You were such a friend to me. Your love for me was more wondrous than the love of women.” That’s a powerful statement, and it reminds us of Jesus’ love for us and how he wants us to love others. Luke 7:34 says Jesus was “a friend of tax collectors and sinners!” Hebrews 13:5 reminds us that Jesus will never leave or abandon us. And in John 15:12-15, Jesus says,

¹² “This is my command: Love one another as I have loved you. ¹³ No one has greater love than this: to lay down his life for his friends. ¹⁴ You are my friends if you do what I command you. ¹⁵ I do not call you servants anymore, because a servant doesn’t know what his master is doing. I have called you friends, because I have made known to you everything I have heard from my Father.

True friendship always involves sacrifice and vulnerability. It might not be life-threatening, as was the case with David, but it can be terrifying to become too close to others. It’s one of the primary reasons people struggle to have close friends. They fear the sacrifice of time, intimacy, or even betrayal. But as CS Lewis pointed out in The Four Loves:

To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.

Are you struggling to develop close friendships? If so, start by leaning into your covenantal relationship with Jesus. Focus on the great lengths he went to be vulnerable with others, even being naked on a cross, so that he could live in eternal friendship with humanity. Then, based on the love he’s shown for you, use discernment and express that same love to others.

[1] "Friends, Friendship Meet-Up Research Pew Health Benefits," NPR, October 25, 2023, https://www.npr.org/2023/10/25/1208572681/friends-friendship-meet-up-research-pew-health-benefits.

[2] "Loneliness, Connection, Mental Health, Dementia: Surgeon General," NPR, May 2, 2023, https://www.npr.org/2023/05/02/1173418268/loneliness-connection-mental-health-dementia-surgeon-general.

^[3]Robert D. Bergen, 1, 2 Samuel, ed. E. Ray Clendenen and Kenneth A. Mathews, vol. 7 of The New American Commentary. Accordance electronic ed. (Nashville: Broadman & Holman Publishers, 1996), 213.

^[4]Ronald F. Youngblood, “1 and 2 Samuel,” in 1 Samuel-2 Kings, vol. 3 of The Expositor’s Bible Commentary Revised Edition. ed. Tremper Longman III and David E. Garland; Accordance electronic ed. (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 2009), 207.