Stop Acting Like Everything Is Okay If It Isn't

Have you ever had someone say one thing and then act another?

Several years ago, I worked on a writing project with two authors. One was an older gentleman in charge of a large organization, and the other was fifteen years his junior. They were co-authoring a book and wanted someone to help them bring everything together.

One of the major themes of their manuscript was emotionally healthy leadership. But the relationship these two men had with each other was far from healthy. Almost every time we got on a call, the older gentleman would talk down to the younger man. He'd speak over him, get mad if he was a few minutes late to the conversation, and act as though his opinions didn't matter.

It was bizarre. Hour after hour, I'd listen to these men talk about how they wanted to help business leaders develop emotionally healthy relationships with those they led, only to hear them argue the entire time they talked!

Not surprisingly, this writing relationship didn't last long, and I'm not sure if they ever finished their book. Coming away from these conversations, I realized this older author was writing from the perspective of the person he wanted to become rather than the person he was. He wanted to be an emotionally healthy leader, but this wasn't who he was.

This is a challenge we can face in the home.

When Everything Isn't As Golden As It Seems

It's easy as a parent, a sibling, or a grandparent to do all you can to keep the peace and act as if everything is okay—to ignore the obvious even as everything is melting down around you.

To this point, several years ago Janan and I took our kids to San Francisco, and we made a brief stop by the Golden Gate Bridge. If all you saw was the picture above, you'd assume everything turned out great. But the reality was that no one was in a good mood as I took that picture, and it was my fault.

I was upset about where we'd parked and wanted to just snap a picture and get out. Janan wanted to stay and take in the view (obviously an unreasonable request). And rather than change my mood, I made everyone frustrated. Notice this image below. Even though I was upset, I took a moment to collect this timeless snapshot.

And every time I look at this picture, I laugh. Because despite my best efforts to put my best face forward, it's clear my perfect picture and reality didn't align. No smile could make up for how miserable I'd made everyone feel. But this didn't keep me from trying.

Face Reality

Perhaps your family dynamic looks like this today. Sure, all of you get in the car and drive to church, but you're arguing all the way there, giving each other the silent treatment, only to put on a nice smile for others when you're in public.

This might work as a quick one-off, but I can assure you it's an unsustainable way to live. So how do you change this?

Start by focusing on being a person of integrity, and stop putting on an act for others. Psalm 101:2 says, "I will live with a heart of integrity in my house." And Proverbs 20:7 notes, “A righteous person acts with integrity; his children who come after him will be happy.”

This doesn't mean you have to constantly air your family's dirty laundry, but it should challenge you to stop pretending and face reality. Don't avoid the elephant in the room.

• If your one child isn't speaking to you, don't go on as if life is normal. Humble yourself and speak to them, doing everything you can to repair that relationship.
• If your spouse has destructive behavior and won't get help, don't let your resentment fester in silence. Seek help this week from a pastor or counselor.
• If you're a grandparent and the adult child you have raised is tearing apart his or her family with poor choices, take forty days to pray and fast for them.

Putting on a false front is exhausting, and the personal toll it will take on you is more than you can sustain. So choose to live in reality this week. Be honest with God, yourself, and with those you trust about the state of your family.

Only then can you move forward.