How Do I Trust God In a Season I Did Not Choose?

I stood in the shower, silently crying. The emotion was too great; my voice had no sound. I could not distinguish my tears from the water, washing aimlessly over me and down the drain, repeating until I realized the water had grown cold. Lost now, no direction. All gone. Turning off the faucet, I stood shivering from the cold, with questions, and even more crushing, with no answers.  

Two weeks earlier, my sister-in-law came for her brother's memorial. Before leaving, she gave me a copy of The Woman's Study Bible. She left me not only with the Bible but also with the gospel message of hope and salvation, the gift of God through His Son, Jesus.  She hoped I would see a reason for this season of life that I was about to enter—widowhood.  

I was not a novice in this season, but this was the icing on the cake, culminating a ten-year chapter of grief and loss in my life; I was holding up a white flag. Through my sister-in-law, God introduced Himself to me and placed a tiny bud of healing in my heart. Yet, I didn’t acknowledge it or accept His gift right away because I wanted to understand first!  

The Woman’s Study Bible lay on the table for months before I even ventured to pick it up. One quiet day, I finally took it out to the patio.  Did I even know where to start? Flipping through the introduction of each book, I came to Ecclesiastes. Not even knowing how to pronounce it, I read on.

Searching for Answers in My Grief

Memories were still raw, and the simple devotion at the bottom of chapter one caught my attention: "Healing: Memories—A Personal Storehouse." I read the words in the devotion, “He touches her and over a period of time takes away the pain!”  

King Solomon, son of David and author of Ecclesiastes, began with a series of questions and statements of futility. His writing is considered wisdom literature in the Bible, and while I didn’t know who he was or even that wisdom literature existed, I read that he “set his heart to seek and find out.” 

Was that even possible? I almost laughed, but I kept reading. To be honest, I didn’t understand much of what I was reading, and then chapter three began:  

To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven. Ecclesiastes 3:1

Wait a minute! Flashback to the early ’70s, twirling and dancing at slumber parties with BFFs while listening to 33⅓ rpm records! More memories, more hurt—how is this healing? Automatically, I began to hum a song of adolescence: “Turn! Turn! Turn!” the 1965 hit by the Byrds. 

I didn’t ask for this, then or now, and the seed of control slowly rose to the surface. Satan threw down a challenge, enticed me with his voice, and I chose to listen. “You need to control your life; it is the best way; then you will stop hurting like this!” I kept reading the words, but they no longer comforted me. Now I was mad. This was war, yes, and for five more years I chose the wrong side.  

When Control Gave Way to Surrender

Salvation, eternal life, and Jesus' sacrifice on the cross didn’t connect at once. No, sinful choices in the guise of control guided me. Then one day the realization hit me: I am not in control; I'm out of control. Oh, the battles were fierce and difficult—times of discovery and pain, fleeting moments of happiness, flirting with danger and men, and then meeting a new love. Another choice entered my life. Love again? 

My journey led me to an aisle, the second one I would walk with my new love. One morning in March at a sunrise Easter service, he gripped my hand; we surrendered and began to learn the fear of God and what it meant to die to oneself, to believe, and to see faith restored. Our marriage became a covenant with God, and He directed our steps.  

So, how does one answer the question, "How do I trust God in a season I did not choose?" 

Choose to live it, ugly as it can be. Day by day, step by step, realizing each obstacle has a “But God” behind it. I am very thankful for these two words, which so often remind me of God's faithfulness.

But don’t take my advice. Choose for yourself, but first hear King Solomon's conclusion. Looking back, I can see the truth of the words I had read in The Woman's Study Bible years earlier: "He touches her and over a period of time takes away the pain!”