How Do I Help a Family Member Who Isn't Themselves?

Last week, after my Yellowstone Bison post, my friend Chrisanne Gordon reached out with an email. She's an author I worked with last year, and this summer she released her latest book, Guarding Our Guardians. It's a fantastic read about how ordinary people can support those in our armed forces returning from the horrors of war.

What makes Chrisanne's story unique is that she suffered a traumatic brain injury a couple of decades ago. That journey of recovery gave her much greater empathy for those in the military, especially those returning from Afghanistan and Iraq who have suffered TBI, PTSD, and other physical injuries in combat.

After my post last week, she reached out with this story.

Last Sunday, an F1 tornado ripped through our area, touching down about 2 miles from my home, which was unharmed. With the incredible destruction witnessed by so many with an F1 tornado, I have even greater empathy for those whose numbers are higher, for, indeed, the destruction was great.

On Wednesday I had an appointment with the Associate Pastor of a nearby congregation, The Freedom Church. Pastor Aaron is a US Army veteran who served in several combat theatres in the Middle East, including the second wave of fighting in Iraq. He is a seasoned, compassionate gentleman, Associate Pastor, and is in a program to become an Ohio National Guard Chaplain someday. 

Although the Church was without power, Pastor Aaron was firm in keeping our meeting on Wednesday, which we did. But my 5-mile journey was far from ordinary. After a couple of miles, I left my tornado-free zone and began traveling on the country roads leading to his congregation. There were many road construction workers/tree removers/hard workers en route over the last few miles to the church, and when I saw the destruction, I was in awe of God’s metaphor as I viewed it from my windshield.

As I drove slowly through the area, where cars were intermittently halted due to downed trees or downed lines, I began to see God’s message. Huge, mature trees were totally uprooted; others were twisted off their trunks, leaving stumps throughout the yard; limbs were ripped off other trees, and, in one heavily wooded area, the trees were literally ripped in half, with a jagged tree trunk remaining and the leaf-bearing limbs nowhere to be seen.  

Honestly, Ezra, I gasped with this incredibly destructive imagery, and, again, said a prayer of thanks that no one in this area had perished. As I turned into the small street, I was in awe of the Church’s lit sign, which said the word FREEDOM—and then it hit me. These trees resembled our war-torn Heroes: some had been entirely uprooted; others had been knocked off their foundations; many were twisted by the ravages of the wind, and still others were missing limbs.

A Family Member You Don't Understand

Here's how Chrisanne's story fits into our family series.

A couple of days after I received Chrisanne's email, another author with whom I'd written a book a couple of years ago reached out to me. He was the former CEO of a large tech company, and during our conversation, he shared the story of his father, a World War II veteran.

After returning to American soil in the 1940s, his dad was a changed man. He was largely absent from his son's life and always seemed to offer a word of correction rather than encouragement. As a former professional baseball player, when he realized his son lacked his athletic ability, he stopped attending his sporting events.

He also resented his son, who signed up to fight in Vietnam but never had to spend a minute in combat. And there was always a disconnect in their relationship throughout adulthood.

Reflecting on his dad, the CEO observed that he only realized in hindsight all that his father went through. And while it didn't excuse his father's action, it did offer some perspective. And instead of feeling hatred towards his dad, he felt empathy.

It's Hard

Difficult family members are a challenge, and chances are you have one or two of them in your life. What might make them especially difficult is that you remember who they used to be and can't understand the person they've become.

Maybe they suffered severe PTSD, a traumatic experience as a child, alzheimers, or a life-altering situation that altered their personality.

You've put up with their change for a while, but now life is starting to wear you down. You're tired of the snide remarks, the edginess in their voice, and the constant lack of a kind word. You long for them to go back to being the person they were before.

If that's you today, take heart and don't miss how God is using this hardship to shape you.

Bear Their Burdens

In Galatians 6:1, Paul writes about what to do with a person who is "overtaken in any wrongdoing." After giving some instructions about restoration and guarding against temptation, he pivots to verse 2 and makes this statement: “Carry one another’s burdens; in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.” Commentator Robert Rapa writes,

“By collectively taking on themselves the burden of temptation experienced by others, believers are able to ameliorate the impact that such temptation may have, to the mutual benefit of all attempting to keep in step with the Spirit.”^[1]

While the religious leaders of Jesus' day placed heavy legalistic burdens on people's shoulders and didn't do a thing to help them carry the weight, Paul calls those in the church of Galatia—and by extension us—to live the opposite.

As Monday Christians, we are to see those who are struggling under the devastating weight of living in a sin-cursed world, to step into their messiness, and offer them the freedom that only comes from Christ.

How do you do this?

Every situation is different, but start with the Gospel and what Christ has done for you. Start with Philippians 2. Meditate on the way Jesus, in condescending to earth, came in the form of a servant, laid aside his rights and privileges so that we might be part of the family of God. The one who "bore our sins in his body on the tree; so that, having died to sins, we might live for righteousness."

As you do this, God will give you a love for this person that you did not have before. Not a love that excuses their actions, but one that supernaturally extends to them grace that is much greater than anything you could manufacture on your own.

^[1]Robert K. Rapa, “Galatians,” in Romans–Galatians, vol. 11 of The Expositor’s Bible Commentary Revised Edition. eds. Tremper Longman III and David E. Garland; Accordance electronic ed. (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 2008), 634.