How Do I Change When Those Around Me Stay the Same?

When was the last time you changed?

I’m talking about a significant change, and not just a switch in your music playlist. Maybe you gave up sugar, committed to spending twenty minutes in focused prayer a day, or shifted to a career outside your comfort zone.  

The older you get, the harder it becomes to change. You become entrenched in your ideas and have suffered enough pains from previous changes to make you cautious about trying anything new.

Or you’re caught in a negative peer pressure cycle of friends who constantly drag you down. You want to live a healthier life, but everyone in your family eats junk food all the time. You want to advance in your career, but every time you try to talk about your ambitions, you have others who—like crabs in a bucket—try to pull you down.  

Or, maybe your views of God have changed, and the Christians you hang around with view God very differently than you do. You want to change, to be all God wants you to be, but you feel stuck.

So what do you do?

What If Others Don't Want Me to Change?

In Galatians 2, the Apostle Paul gives a real-world picture of what change looks like when the people around you are uncomfortable with it. Verses 1-2 say,

Then after fourteen years I went up again to Jerusalem with Barnabas, taking Titus along also. I went up according to a revelation and presented to them the gospel I preach among the Gentiles, but privately to those recognized as leaders. I wanted to be sure I was not running, and had not been running, in vain.

Paul wants to make sure the gospel he’s been living and teaching lines up with the truth. He brings Titus with him, a Greek believer who has not adopted Jewish customs, and Titus becomes the test case. While other “false brothers” sneak in to “spy” out this new liberty that Paul is proclaiming is found in Jesus, Paul says, “we did not give up and submit to these people for even a moment, so that the truth of the gospel would be preserved for you.”

Paul had changed his position to become more like Jesus, and he wasn’t going to allow others to pull him back into a system of legalism.

Like Paul, the moment you start changing to become more like Christ, others will try to pull you down.

• Some will do so because your change for the better reminds them of their lack of change.
• Others might fear for you because you're doing something they've never done.
• And then there will be some with valid concerns that will help you change in a healthier way.

How do you distinguish which voices to listen to? It all comes down to motivation.

Avoid paying too much attention to voices that speak to you out of insecurity or people-pleasing. If the brunt of their argument is “well, what will people think,” they’re probably not the strongest voice. But if they’re asking you, “How will this change make you more like Christ?” Then they’re often coming from a good place.

Change Slow and Quick

How fast should you change? As with most things, this is where balance (an overused word I try to avoid, but it is useful in this case) is necessary.

The ideal process of becoming more like Christ is both slow and quick. The more confidence you have in Jesus, the more you should have a steady faith, a slow faith, that isn't shaking from day to day. The "big rocks" largely remain the same, and significant midlife doctrinal shifts should not be points of spiritual pride but cause for humility.

That said, the small rocks—your attitude toward life, daily disciplines, and approach to thinking about things outside your control—should constantly be shifting.

Immature Christians reverse this order, and they're always shifting the macro but ignoring the micro. They're quick to embrace the latest doctrinal trends of the day, while slow to allow God to shape their character.

Don't let this be you. Instead, remember these words from Paul, where he says in 2 Corinthians 4:16, “Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.”

The Greek word for “wasting away” (diaphtheiretai) suggests gradual deterioration. In contrast, “being renewed” (anakainoutai) points to a continual process of spiritual rejuvenation by the Holy Spirit. And the phrase “day by day” underscores that this renewal is not a one-time event but an ongoing transformation.

You are to hold fast to the unchanging person of Christ, but allow yourself to be shaped continuously in the process. As you do this, your outer person may weaken, but your inner person will grow stronger through faith.

Count the Cost of Not Changing

While it's easy to focus on the cost of change, it's a mistake to overlook the cost of not changing. Think about your own life, and ask some tough questions:

• If I don’t change my prayer life, will I get to the end of life feeling like I don’t know the God I’m about to meet?
• If I don’t get out of my comfort zone and go to counseling, will my spouse and I continue to drift apart?  
• If I don’t stop watching so much TV, will this impact the quality of connection with my kids ten years from now? 

When I’m considering a tough change, one of the best questions I ask myself is, Will I be glad I made this decision five years from now? If the answer is yes, I change.

Another tip I've discovered is to stop overthinking the process of change. In the words of David Goggins, sometimes we give ourselves too many options. Instead of saying, “You know, I really should do ______," just do it!

If you know something will be good for you, don't give yourself an out. Change.

The goal is to make sustainable changes that stick. Not changes so dramatic that you quickly neglect them, but strategic changes that compound over time.

So All May See Your Progress

As you change, keep coming back to your motivation.

While many self-help books talk about the importance of change, the underlying motivation is often unsustainable. That's because the change they recommend is rooted in becoming the best version of yourself that you can be.

The gospel provides a much stronger foundation. When your goal is to become like Jesus, you don’t just change to become more like you; you change to become more like him. This eases the pressure and gives you a clear model to follow.

It also eases the shame.

When you have yourself as the focus, each time you change and become a better you, you'll be tempted to look back at the person you were five years ago and cringe. But when your focus is Christ, you can point to your entire change journey and demonstrate his faithfulness and grace.

To this point, one of my favorite verses is 1 Timothy 4:15, where Paul, after instructing a young Timothy to be faithful and consistent, says, “Practice these things; be committed to them, so that your progress may be evident to all.”

In other words, show off the goodness of God through your change! Don't revel in your mistakes, but use the ups and downs of your life's journey to show others how Great God is.

Don't just change to be a better you. Change to be more like him.