How a Pinch of Salt Can Preserve Many Relationships

Have you ever run into someone who just “tells it like it is?”

They always “shoot straight” with people, but over the years, they’ve left a string of broken relationships. That client they chewed out, friends they've discarded, or kids who avoid them.

I've bumped into a few people like this over the years—often those who have worked in high-performance backgrounds or were raised in high-performance settings. For years, they were told by a boss or a parent to “follow the law.” “Do it right the first time.” “Never settle.”

There was no “Hey, let’s talk about this” or thinking about something from someone else's shoes—this was unnecessary babble. No grey; only black and white.

This is an area I'll likely struggle with to the day I die. By nature, I can quickly diagnose what is wrong with something, and it’s this ability to quickly diagnose that has helped my writing business flourish. I can open a Word document a client sends over and, within seconds, know what needs to change.  

Why did they stack four long paragraphs on top of each other? Where are the subheadings? Why did they place that key phrase at the end of the chapter and not the start? Don't they realize this argument is from 1997?  

Here’s where it gets tricky.

On the one hand, I believe the kindest thing you can do for someone is to give them authentic feedback. I can't tell you how many times I've sent off a document to someone for review, only to get back a simple, “Looks great! You're a fantastic writer.” Nice, but not very helpful.

On the other hand, I've realized through experience that rushing to offer my opinion without considering others' feelings can lead to losing a potential friendship.

Just the other week, I sent off four chapters for a client to review and made about 2,500 adjustments to his writing—this after he had stressed that he liked his manuscript as it was. Believe me, the temptation to make a few tweaks, send it off, and say he was the Emerson of our time was strong (the pay was the same). But I knew I couldn't do that.

Minutes after I sent the email, I received a couple of panicked responses. The client was worried I was changing too much and robbing him of his voice. In my mind, there was part of me that was thinking, Dude, I could have just said your writing was great, and I’m trying to do you a favor!

Instead, I took a few minutes to go up to my office and write a thoughtful response outlining my approach. The next morning, he sent back a kind message and said he'd give it a second look. And the following day, he sent a message saying he actually loved the revisions I'd made but just wanted to leave one section of the Introduction as is.

What was the key to resolving this mini-conflict? A little pinch of salt.

Season Your Speech

As Paul’s letter to the Colossians shows, not only does the good news of Jesus change our relationships, but it also changes our lifestyle. Turning to Colossians 4, “we see that the gospel fuels the Christian life in three ways: in prayer, partnership, and purpose.”[1]

Paul says in Verse 2, “Devote yourselves to prayer; stay alert in it with thanksgiving.” Then he shifts to "partnership" and adds these words: ³ “At the same time, pray also for us that God may open a door to us for the word, to speak the mystery of Christ, for which I am in chains, ⁴ so that I may make it known as I should.” Finally, he gets to "purpose" in verses 5-6, stating, 

⁵ Act wisely toward outsiders, making the most of the time. ⁶ Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you should answer each person.

Paul's point is that just as salt enhances flavor, your conversation should be engaging and thoughtful, not bland or careless. Like salt preserves, it should reflect integrity and consistency over time. And as salt can sting, it should be honest when needed, but delivered with grace rather than harshness.

Seven Steps to Salty Talk

Perhaps this week you'll face a situation that tempts you to respond harshly. Maybe you'll need to confront a family member, friend, or coworker about some problematic behavior. If so, use Paul’s approach and season your speech with salt.

Whenever I am faced with a difficult conversation, I go through a mental checklist that I ideally process over several days, or—in quick conflict situations—am forced to work through in several minutes.

Step 1: Be thoughtful and prayerful

Before confronting someone, take some time (again, ideally a few days), and pray for them, think through what you will say, and maybe bounce the words you’ll share off a mentor.

Smaller confrontations don’t need nearly this much time, but the point is to be thoughtful. Ask yourself, “Am I the right person to confront?” “Will this person listen to what I have to say?” “Is this the right time to confront?” (Matthew 18)

Step 2: Check your motivation

Are you confronting the person out of genuine care for them or out of embarrassment over how they’ve made you look? Do you really want the best for them, or are you irritated at the pain they have brought into your life?

Step 3: Pick a good time and location to meet, and give them a heads-up

Say, “Hey, I need to speak with you about ________. Do you have any time in the next few days to chat?” (Give them the option to sit down even that day, so they’re not in limbo. Make this convenient for them.)

Step 4: Speak truth in love.

When you sit down with them (or discuss via Zoom), be clear, be kind, and stay on point. Don’t use this as a chance to point out every flaw you’ve noticed in them over the past ten years. Say something like, “Hey, I have noticed an issue….” (Janan says my favorite word is “issue,” and she’s probably right!)

Attack the problem, not the person. Also, try to tailor your speech to the other person. Go to where others are at (Philippians 2). If they are highly sensitive, use gloves. If they are more direct and used to criticism, get to the point.

Step 5: Ask questions and assume the best

After you’ve outlined the challenge you have seen, don’t pass judgment and give them a chance to respond. Say something like, “This is how I see it. What am I missing?”

It’s amazing what this question can do, because it often opens up something totally unexpected. “Hey, sorry, I’ve been dealing with some major health issues, so I haven’t been myself lately.”

Step 6: Help them bear the load

The religious leaders of Jesus’ day were quick to impose rules and burdens on others, all while doing nothing to help them (Matthew 23:4). Don’t be like this. Instead, when you confront someone and offer a better way for them to live, offer to help them carry the load.

Say something like, “Listen, I feel like you’re a little stressed, and this is causing you to respond differently. What can I do to help ease some of the weight you’re feeling?” Now you’re on their team! You’re not just telling them they’ve messed up. You’re standing with them.

Jesus used this approach, and despite having much he could have shared with his disciples, he said in John 16:12, "I still have many things to tell you, but you can’t bear them now." He helped them process at a rate they could receive. He didn't just say, "Here's the truth. Deal with it."

Step 7: Be silent

Never mention it again, unless needed. Don’t talk to others. Don’t keep opening the wound with the individual you’ve confronted, and move on.

In summary, be clear and kind. Clarity without kindness is hurtful. Kindness without clarity is confusing.

[1] Julius J. Kim, eds. Gospel Transformation Study Bible Notes. Accordance electronic ed. (Wheaton: Crossway, 2013), paragraph 5720.