Why a Perfect Marriage Shouldn't Be the Goal

There have been many seasons in my marriage with Ezra that haven’t felt like a romantic fairytale. His clinical depression mixed with my postpartum anxiety. The exhaustion of sleepless nights with newborns. Working through job changes, knee surgeries, moves, and car troubles. The frustrations of home ownership, the messiness of kids, and busy schedules.

One of the more recent moments that comes to mind is a few months ago when the stomach bug hit our house. One night, right as we were falling asleep, we heard a shout in the hall. We opened the door to find that one of our children had emptied their stomach in a trail from their bedroom to ours. Ezra grabbed the carpet cleaner while I got the child cleaned up and started with disinfectant wipes on the walls.

If you’ve had kids, you’ve probably been there. What struck me about this instance was that we didn’t stop to decide who had to do which job, or to argue about who had done the most work that day or who was doing the dirtier job. Maybe we would have ten years ago, but at this point, we just knew we had to get the job done, and the sooner the better.

Marriage Isn’t a Competition

Paul writes in Ephesians 5:22-23, "Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord, because the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of the body." This language can feel heavy in our culture. But Biblical submission is not about inferiority. It is about a posture of respect and trust within a covenant of mutual devotion.

Submission is not silence. It is not ignoring strength, intelligence, or voice. It is the decision to honor and support within the design God has given. In fact, this entire section begins in verse 21 with, “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” There is a mutuality here that often gets overlooked.

When a husband and wife choose humility over pride, service over entitlement, and forgiveness over resentment, they are reflecting the heart of Christ. And when that happens consistently, trust grows. Safety deepens. Love matures.

Teamwork Makes the Dreamwork

I fully acknowledge that this is a cheesy cliché. But it happens to be my favorite one, and the one I quote the most around the house, so I decided to use it anyway.

Healthy Christian marriage is not one person shrinking and the other expanding. It is both bending low before Jesus first, and then choosing to serve one another from that place. It’s working together to do the next right thing, leaning on each other’s strengths, and communicating the best we can.

So how do we live this out in ordinary life?

First, examine your posture. Ask honestly, “Am I approaching my spouse to serve or to be served?” That question alone can reset a tense week.

Second, practice one concrete act of sacrificial love or intentional respect this week. It might be listening without interrupting. It might be taking on a task without announcing it. It might be choosing gentleness in a hard conversation.

Third, pray together. Even briefly. Even awkwardly. When both spouses kneel before Christ, pride loosens its grip. Marriage will never be perfect, but when both husband and wife continually return to Jesus as the model and source of love, something beautiful forms over time.

The goal is not winning arguments or dividing chores evenly down the middle. The goal is to reflect Christ and His perfect, sacrificial love for us.