What a Year of Disappointment Taught Me About Self-Reliance and Grace
The grace of God in our lives is a gift that cannot be earned. When we begin to believe that we can work our way into His favor by following the law, we cheapen the sacrifice of Christ.
At the start of 2025, my wife and I had hoped that by the end of the year, we’d have an addition to our family, a child to call our own. We thought 2025 would be a year filled with baby preparations, sharing the news of pregnancy with family, revamping a room into a nursery, and everything else that comes with the joys of expecting a child.
Unfortunately, 2025 ended up being a year that led to disappointment every month after month, birth announcements from what felt like everyone close to us, and even a failed fertility treatment.
I admit that at the beginning it was easier to maintain hope, but eventually, near the latter half of the year, thoughts started to creep in about whether this prayer for a child remained unanswered because of something we weren’t doing right. Thoughts of "Maybe I need to pray more," "We haven’t tried fasting yet, maybe that will do the trick," or "Let me read more chapters in the bible each day," and on and on it went.
As our hope for a child started diminishing month by month, I became more prone to self-reliance and things that I could do more of. I thought that the more I did, the more God would “notice our situation.”
The Dangers of Self-Reliance
Although the things I tried to do more of are inherently good Christian habits, I found that my heart was not doing them in response to God’s love, but rather out of a sense that I needed to earn God’s love and be right with God. The motivation I had at the time was fueled by the notion that if I became more righteous, God would surely have no choice but to answer my prayers.
In Galatians 2, Paul argues that, outside of faith in Christ and his death and resurrection, there is nothing we can do to make ourselves “more saved” or more righteous before God.
Galatians 2:21 states,
I do not nullify the grace of God, for if righteousness were through the law, then Christ died for no purpose.
Self-reliance in our actions sets aside the grace of God, essentially saying that the death of Christ was not enough. I need to do more so that God can see me, hear me, and accept me.
In my situation, I found that the more I relied on my own actions and good deeds, and the more silent God seemed, the more bitter and self-righteous I became. All of a sudden, baby announcements from friends or family brought thoughts of anger, such as, “Really, God?! They are openly living in sin... I serve more than them... They’ve only known you for like three days!” My mind at the time could not comprehend why all these “good” and “right” things I was doing did not produce the results I wanted.
The Turning Point - Realizing the Grace of God
It took a failed fertility treatment for me to finally realize how, even though I was doing the “Christian” things, I was actually harboring bitterness and anger towards God. My relationship with Him was simply filled with spiritual practices done with the hopes of gaining His love and favour. I made no space for the grace of God, but instead made it about me and what I was doing to earn His love.
Self-reliance is what Paul tried to speak against in Galatians 2. During trying times, we can easily focus on becoming more righteous by doing more, believing that if we appear “right” before God, then surely His love would not let us continue through such hardships. However, in the end, we are left wanting because “right” action toward God can turn into empty praise toward Him.
What God truly desires is a “broken and contrite heart,” one that acknowledges the desperate need for God’s grace at all times; a heart that surrenders and says, “There is nothing that I can do at this point but simply trust in His grace and steadfast love.”
In moments when you feel the tug of self-reliance, I’d encourage you to take time to reflect on God’s grace in your life. He has always loved and carried you during the times when you may not have been your most “righteous self” in the past.
Even if life has recently been filled with disappointment, you do not need to bear the additional weight of trying to earn God’s love and favour. Instead, look to the cross and remember that in Christ, all has been fulfilled, and He will continue to redeem you through His finished work.
So yes, pray more, fast more, and read your Bible often - but do it all in response to the fulfilled work of Christ for you. This time of disappointment or hurt may not be where you want to be, yet it may be exactly where God wants you. Ask Him what He desires to teach you through this and how He wants you to grow.
There is nothing you can do to save yourself or earn God's love and favor, so rest assured that God’s grace will be sufficient to carry you through all the days of your life, even when you don’t get everything right.
